Fractured Fairytales
by Jerle Shannara
Summary: It's a couple of your favorite fairytales as you've never read them before! Meet Snow Caucasian and the five Vertically Challenged Individuals and a whole llot of other weird characters! Read and Review! Complete!
1. A Note from the Author

Fractured Fairytales  
  
By Jerle Shannara  
  
Prologue: A Note from the Author  
  
First of all, hopefully nobody's already told the stories contained in this fic in the way that I'm about to. Fractured Fairytales is a play I wrote at a summer camp a few years ago...actually, the entire class wrote it. Anyway, there are two mini plays, each preceeded and followed by a brief Vignette. Meet the Three Little Pigs, Snow Caucasian, Cinderella and the Three Visually Impaired Mice! And no, this Fic isn't designed to make fun of visually impaired people. Heck, it was written by a group of 'em, myself included. Hope ya like it! 


	2. Three Little Pigs VS Big Bad Wolf

Fractured Fairytales  
  
By Jerle Shannara  
  
Three Little Pigs VS. Big Bad Wolf  
  
The scene is a courtroom. The Big Bad Wolf stands in handcuffs before the judge.  
  
Judge: Read the charges, Bailiff.  
  
Bailiff: The wolf is charged with harrassment, threatening to commit bodily harm, Pigomy---"  
  
Wolf: Your Honor, what is Pigomy?  
  
Judge: The consumption of more than one Porcine creature within a single twenty-four-hour period.  
  
Wolf: Oh.  
  
Judge: I seem to remember telling you that the next time you went hog wild in my town I'd throw the book at you. (Picks up a huge book and throws it at the wolf) There, now get out!  
  
Three Little Pigs: Oh thank you, Your Honor!  
  
Judge; Yeah yeah, now get out! 


	3. Snow Caucasian

Fractured Fairytales  
  
By Jerle Shannara  
  
Snow Caucasian and the Five Vertically Challenged Individuals  
  
The scene opens on an evil queen sitting in front of a mirror. She looks into it for a moment, then addresses it.  
  
Queen: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? There is a piercing whistle from offstage, then a voice.  
  
Voice: Excuse me, (a man enters in a wheelchair), but I'm the Political Correctness Police Officer, PCP for short.  
  
Queen (irritated): Whad'ya want?  
  
PCP: I must ask you not to use the term Fairest. Please use "Most Asthetically Pleasing" instead.  
  
Queen (Irritated): Ok Ok! (PCP departs.  
  
Queen (addressing the mirror again): Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most (sarcasm) asthetically pleasing of them all?  
  
Mirror: Uh---I hate to break it to you lady, but it's definitely not you. I mean you're---how should I put this---getting on in years and---  
  
Queen (infuriated): How dare you mention my age!  
  
Mirror (undaunted): But anyway, the most asthetically pleasing is this hot chick named Snow Caucasian. She's got this really white skin and she's like the bomb! Boy is she hot! If I weren't a mirror---well---  
  
Queen (turning away): I must get rid of this Snow Caucasian. I will be the fairest---ahem---most asthetically pleasing (sarcasm again), in the land! (Launches into a parody of Someday my Prince will Come).  
  
Scene changes to later. The queen is sitting, holding a pineapple.  
  
Queen: Yeah, this'll take care of Snow Caucasian. I'll get her with my poison apple!  
  
Voices (from somewhere offstage): Pineapple!  
  
Queen (annoyed): Whatever!  
  
Scene changes again, this time to Snow Caucasian. She's cleaning up the kitchen at her house and extremely pissed about it.  
  
Snow Caucasian: This is sooo stupid! My stupid sisters get to go to a stupid movie and I'm here cleaning stupid house!  
  
(The door opens and her mom comes in).  
  
Mom: You're not done yet?  
  
SC: You just left! Mom: We forgot a few things. Listen, this kitchen had better be clean when I come home or there'll be trouble! (Mom leaves again and Snow Caucasian mutters to herself.  
  
SC: I'll show her. I'm gettin' outta here!  
  
Scene changes to Snow Caucasian a little later. She's at some strange house where everything's been redesigned for short people. This is rather inconvenient for her, but it's better than cleaning house. It's not long before a group of five short guys come in.  
  
Guy 1: What're you doin' here? Who are you anyway?  
  
SC: Who are you?  
  
Guy1 (proudly): We're the five Dwarves!  
  
PCP (rolling in in his wheelchair): Please refrain from using the word Dwarves. Use Vertically Challenged Individuals instead.  
  
Guy 1: we're the five Vertically Challenged Individuals. My name's Insomniac!  
  
Guy2: I'm Genius!  
  
Guy3 (in hopeless voice): I'm Terminally Depressed.  
  
Guy4 (in overly chipper voice): I'm Chipper!  
  
Guy 5 (in haughty voice): And my name's Haughty!  
  
SC: Ok. I'm Snow Caucasian.  
  
Guys: Wow! Hey, you can cook and clean for us!  
  
Insomniac: We're not very good at it.  
  
SC: Now look here! I came here to get some R & R and to get away from my oppressive home life!  
  
Terminally Depressed: Sorry.  
  
Genius: Yeah. Well, just clean up what you can. We gotta go to work.  
  
Chipper: Oh yeah, and if the doorbell rings answer it. I'm expecting some DVD's today.  
  
Scene changes to later still. Snow Caucasian is sitting on the couch watching Beavis and Butthead. The doorbell rings.  
  
SC: Coming (answering the door) Yeah?  
  
Queen (in baglady voice): I hear yer wantin' to get away from that there family a yern.  
  
SC: Yeah.  
  
Queen: I got this here apple---  
  
SC: Pineapple.  
  
Queen: Whatever. Anyways, yeh gotta eat this here apple---  
  
SC: Pineapple.  
  
Queen: Whatever. It'll take care a all yer problems. I've heard tell it makes whoever eats it perty.  
  
PCP (voice only)): More Asthetically Pleasing!  
  
SC and Queen together (annoyed): Whatever! (Queen leaves. Snow Caucasian takes one bite of the pineapple and keels right over).  
  
Queen (reverting to her normal voice): Mwahahahahahaha! It worked!  
  
Voice: Hey, what's goin' on? (the five Dwarves---ahem---vertically Challenged Individuals, come traipsing home and find the queen. They enter the house and see Snow Caucasian lying on the ground as though dead).  
  
Guys: Waaaah! Waaaaah!  
  
Voice: I'll save her! (a sexy guy appears. He bends over Snow Caucasian.  
  
Insomniac: Can you help her?  
  
Man: Sure! (He plants a noisy kiss on Snow Caucasian's lips. She wakes up.  
  
SC: My prince!  
  
Man: Actually, I'm the artist formerly known as Prince.  
  
SC: It doesn't matter! Let's go and get married!  
  
Queen: Waaaaaaah!  
  
Insomniac: Don't worry. You can stay and be our domestic goddess!  
  
Queen: Really?  
  
Genius: Don't quit your day job.  
  
Chipper: If you were a meat, you'd be Miss Steak! (Queen fails to catch the subtle sarcasm in their voices. She hugs each one of them. Meanwhile, Snow Caucasian and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince got married and lived happily ever a Fractured Fairytales  
  
By Jerle Shannara  
  
Three Little Pigs Vignette  
  
The scene is a courtroom. A judge sits in front of a podium. The accused, the Big Bad Wolf, is brought before him. Beside the Judge stands the Bailiff. The accusors are the Three Little Pigs.  
  
Judge: Bailiff, read the charges.  
  
Bailiff: The wolf is charged with harrassment, threatening to commit bodily harm and Pigomy.  
  
Wolf: Your Honor, what is Pigomy?  
  
Judge: The consumption of more than one porcine creature within a single twenty-four hour period.  
  
Wolf: Oh.  
  
Judge: I seem to remember telling you last time that if you went hog wild in my town again I'd throw the book at you!  
  
Wolf: Yeah?  
  
Judge: Well, (grabs a huge book and throws it at the wolf) there. He brings his gavel down sharply on the podium, signalling the end of the trial. 


	4. Goldylocks VS Three Bears

Fractured Fairytales  
  
By Jerle Shannara  
  
Goldylocks VS. Three Bears  
  
Scene: We're back in the courtroom, this time at the trial of one Goldy Locks.  
  
Judge: Read the charges against Miss Locks.  
  
Bailiff: Miss Locks is charged with breaking and entering, theft and Bedomy.  
  
Goldylocks: Bedomy? What's that?  
  
Judge: Sleeping in a bed that doesn't belong to you. Well, these are some pretty serious charges for one so young. What do you have to say for yourself?  
  
Goldylocks: Well, I was walking in the woods and---well---I got hungry. SO I went into this house---they didn't lock their door, and there were these three bowls of poridge. I tried some of each, but one was too hot. The second one was too cold, but the third one was just right! I couldn't just let it get cold!  
  
Judge: Well, I'm afraid I'll have to sentence you to two-hundred hours of community service. Case dismissed! 


	5. Cinderella

Fractured Fairytales  
  
By Jerle Shannara  
  
Cinderella  
  
The scene is a house. Cinderella, her overprotective stepmother and her overprotective stepsisters sit around the house.  
  
Stepsister1: Let's play a game! Stepsister 2: What shall we play?  
  
Stepmother: How about Scrabble  
  
Cinderella: I think I'll pass.  
  
Stepmom: What's wrong?  
  
Cinderella: I'm just not interested.  
  
Stepsister1: Or we could dance!  
  
Cinderella: No!  
  
Stepmom: Come oooon Cindy, ya gotta! If you're gonna go to the ball tonight- --(she and the Stepsisters burst into song) We are family! I got my mama and my sisters and me! We are family!  
  
Cinderella: Shut up! I don't even know how to dance!  
  
Sister: Come on Cindy, we'll show you how! (They grab her as jazzy music plays.  
  
Cindy: Stop!  
  
Stepmom: That's it, I'm sending for Magic Wanda!  
  
Stepsisters (in awe): Magic Wanda!  
  
The scene is a little later. The doorbell rings and Magic Wanda enters.  
  
Magic Wanda: So what can I do for you today?  
  
Stepmom: I think something's wrong with Cindy.  
  
Wanda: Hmmm, let's see. (launches into a parody of Matchmaker).  
  
Cindy: That was totally pointless.  
  
Wanda: Oh that's just the beginning.  
  
Cindy: You overinflated underpaid (Magic Wanda nods vigorously in agreement) windbag!  
  
Wanda: Hmmm, this is gonna be harder than I thought, but don't worry! I got an idea. (Takes out a cell phone and dials) Yeah, I want the spineless guy. (Listens) I don't care if he's at the mall, just bring him here!  
  
Scene: A few minutes later the doorbell rings. When it opens, the guy on the other side is kinda sexy if unassuming and---well---kinda boring. A fanfare plays.  
  
Guy: Dude cut it out!  
  
Wanda: Cindy, I present to you the Prince formerly known as Charming! You two will be married and live happily ever after! (and so they did. 


	6. Three Blind Mice VS Farmer's Wife

Fractured Fairytales  
  
By Jerle Shannara  
  
Three Visually Challenged Mice VS. The Farmer's Wife  
  
The scene is the courtroom. The Farmer's Wife is the accused, while the accusers are three blind---ahem---visually challenged---mice. Their lawyer stands nearby.  
  
Judge: Present your case.  
  
Mice (singing): Three blind mice, three blind mice---"  
  
Farmer's Wife (standing up and bringing her carving knife down on the table): Your Honor, I object!  
  
Judge: Overruled. (turns to the mice) please begin again.  
  
Mice: Three blind mice, three blind mice. See how they run, see how they run---  
  
Wife (enraged): Your Honor, I object!  
  
Judge (annoyed): Overruled! Begin again!  
  
Mice: Three blind mice, three blind mice. See how they run. See how they run---  
  
Wife: Your Honor, I object!  
  
Judge (furious): Overruled! Begin again!  
  
Mice's Lawyer: Your Honor, how can they tell their tale if she keeps cutting it off?  
  
Author's Note  
  
Actually, there was a fourth Vignette in the original play. There was one before the first story, two after it, the second story and one last Vignette. The original first Vignette was Humpty Dumpty versus the king. He was suing for falling off the wall. Unfortunately, most of that Vignette was a song, and I've since forgotten the lyrics, as I forgot the lyrics to the songs used in the actual stories, so they're not listed here. Well, hope you enjoy! Maybe I'll come up with a few more at a later date. 


End file.
